Hello folks! This is a more informal post than usual, so your patience is appreciated and I promise I’m working on a post more typical of my blog for sometime later this month! [Note: contains some mention of abuse and PTSD.]
I have a big goal this year- the same goal I had for my Birthday, and for Rosh Hashanah: write more. I enjoy writing, and I enjoy the feeling I have when I hit publish, and yet I write so rarely. Part of this is executive dysfunction, part of this is depression, and part is anxiety. Lately, I often find myself using the excuse of “well, if I’m doing so well right now, I ought to use that exclusively on work stuff!” any time I have more than a few minutes of good processing power in me. (In fact, when I’m done with this post I’ll probably work instead of doing any of the zillion things I should be doing for myself, being as how it’s technically winter break. Oops.)
If I have to quantify this goal- because I’m really trying to train my brain to think in SMART goals as well- I’m aiming, as always, for 12 posts minimum in 2016. I hate quantifying my yearly goals though. When I fail, there’s this wave of “not okay” that comes over me. Back when I did weight related rather than action related goals, this would trigger an eating disorder behavior of some sort.
But the big thing is really PTSD related. Any time I fail at anything- even something small that other people aren’t really bothered with- I have Rick’s voice in the back of my bead going, “If you weren’t so smart, we’d lock you away.” “We should lock you up, you are worthless.” “I don’t know why we bother keeping you at home.” On bad days, it leads to a dissociative episode. And really, this is usually UTTERLY disproportionate to the stimulus that triggered it, because that’s how PTSD works. Having a spelling error pointed out at the wrong time has lead to hours long episodes- I still work, in fact that might be all I do other than cry and repeat bad mantras, but it’s still there. I’ve had larger episodes that have faded in and out over a week. It’s ridiculous, really impacts my ability to behave professionally, but it’s also uncontrollable. I’ve gained the ability, slowly and over time, to make it more something that can be hidden behind the computer screen (thank you telecommuting- there’s no way I could last in an in person office at this point.) But even that doesn’t always work, because of the nature of a dissociative episode makes it even more difficult to conceptualize what works in a reasonable turn around. It, in short, sucks.
There are other general goals I have too, but they are perpetual ones that I always have. Leave the house at least once weekly, preferably more often and under my own steam but once with help satisfies it. If I don’t, the agoraphobia sets in heavily. It becomes increasingly difficult to leave, particularly under my own steam. Even my ability to call anyone on my very short “safe” list gets smaller. (Currently, the safe list is my parents, siblings, niece, eventual-BiL, and best friend.) And while I’m not always successful- thank you mix of mental health wackiness and chronic illness- It’s something I continue to try to work on, with no end in sight.
Speaking of, one of the things I’m going to aim for today? Walking to Sheetz in my town. (I made it to one of the pubs last night, though I got out before the NYE celebrants started showing up en mass.)Try to work on phone phobia is another perpetual goal. This week, I actually called someplace to order food- and it was a big deal. I’m going to call my best friend, who it’s become harder to call, when I’m done with this paragraph. (Thank you new year for the scripted calls you make possible.) This aspect of my mental health disabilities is a particularly disabling one, both personally and professionally. Some of this has improved as people in general get more comfortable with ascribing meaning to online interactions. Some of it I’ve developed accommodations for myself, though the willingness to implement those accommodations is hit or miss, even in the cross-disability community. People just don’t get that I can speak on a webinar or scripted/semi-scripted telecast but can’t handle an actual phone call with ease. It’s an entirely different format to execute for me, but it’s still a struggle.
This is a thing that I’ve decided to work on- even though it’s disability related, and even though I still try to implement my accommodations. Sometimes it feels even more difficult, because too many people don’t get that the ways you are disabled fluctuate depending on a lot of- and sometimes difficult to identify- factors. But it’s something that seems an area that I want to work on, which is reasonable to work on, and which comes with many opportunities to celebrate small steps and have it understood by my fellow phone-phobics and phone-averse people as to why it’s worth celebrating, and why it’s worth working on. I don’t know if I’ll ever reach a point where the phobia is completely gone, or where I don’t need any accommodations sometimes, but I do hope that I can get to a point where I can still grit my way through the times where people aren’t willing to work with me about it.
(Aside: AH VOICEMAIL. What a glorious invention.)
I forgot one thing! And this is for you too! There’s an Instagram challenge that Two Thirds of the Planet is instigating this year called #365dayswithdisability! Just post a picture of your disabled self/life every day with the #365dayswithdisability tag on Instagram (or twitter, Insta is kind of hard to access if you don’t have a smart phone!) My personal Instagram is @nicocoer if you want to follow me!
Anyhow, I hope this post made you think about your own difficulties with setting and completing goals. Feel free to share those- or even just your new years goals!- in the comments below. Happy 2016!