*nervous* So, um. I’m crazy, how are you?
That isn’t a self depreciating statement- I live with Mental Health issues, and I don’t have a problem with it. I also am “on Spectrum”- Don’t have a problem with that either. The difficulties for me are in the fact that society is not structured in a way that makes who I am feasible.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I have no problem making little compromises in order to interact with the world. Thing is, I too often don’t let people know that the compromise is being made, so they act as though not compromising more- past the point of extended feasibility- is selfishness or just plain old not trying.
It makes me nervous to do a lot of things that are fairly normal for people to do. I’m terribly anxious on the phone, I become panicked filling out paperwork, and some days it take courage to leave the house. Some days I’m more capable of these things than others- Some days I will make some phone calls, get caught up on paperwork, and even go into town without a problem. But those days aren’t frequent.
I tend not to do well with people face to face. I tend to miss about half of the intended meaning due to having difficulty recognizing non-verbal cues in others, and have more than once had people misunderstand my own meaning because I simply didn’t realize that I wasn’t displaying the Non-verbals they were looking for. Most frequently, I don’t get my tone right, or my volume. Unless I’m on stage, of course, but stage work requires a lot less processing and a lot more putting yourself out there. I’m rather distracted if I have to make eye-contact, though not a complete shut down like some other folks.
I’ve gotten better at it over the years- I read a ridiculous amount of etiquette books, though many were outdated. I learned tricks to make it seem like I was establishing eye contact by looking at people’s ears or at the space right under the eye- which has happily made recognizing weariness a little easier. And thankfully, a lot of people now offer customer services/support online- in text, a medium of communication I can get.
For all my misunderstandings of non-textual communication, the written word is clearer to me. And British Comedy tends to make it across the barrier somehow. 🙂
I have a hard time getting the concept of hatred, and I feel guilty when I feel smug about something- even when others tell me It’s rightfully so. I get distaste or dislike, and I like being on the winning side of an argument, but having those extend to the extremes just makes me uncomfortable.
tl;dr, I’m crazy in a maryad of ways, and it’s a part of who I am. 🙂 Just like being bisexual/panromantic, being female this lifetime, and my past.
And a bit of silliness and Pride- John Barrowman Sining “I Am What I Am” From La Cage Aux Folles :