HI

*nervous* So, um. I’m crazy, how are you?

That isn’t a self depreciating statement- I live with Mental Health issues, and I don’t have a problem with it. I also am “on Spectrum”- Don’t have a problem with that either. The difficulties for me are in the fact that society is not structured in a way that makes who I am feasible.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have no problem making little compromises in order to interact with the world. Thing is, I too often don’t let people know that the compromise is being made, so they act as though not compromising more- past the point of extended feasibility- is selfishness or just plain old not trying.

It makes me nervous to do a lot of things that are fairly normal for people to do. I’m terribly anxious on the phone, I become panicked filling out paperwork, and some days it take courage to leave the house. Some days I’m more capable of these things than others- Some days I will make some phone calls, get caught up on paperwork, and even go into town without a problem. But those days aren’t frequent.

I tend not to do well with people face to face. I tend to miss about half of the intended meaning due to having difficulty recognizing non-verbal cues in others, and have more than once had people misunderstand my own meaning because I simply didn’t realize that I wasn’t displaying the Non-verbals they were looking for. Most frequently, I don’t get my tone right, or my volume. Unless I’m on stage, of course, but stage work requires a lot less processing and a lot more putting yourself out there. I’m rather distracted if I have to make eye-contact, though not a complete shut down like some other folks.

I’ve gotten better at it over the years- I read a ridiculous amount of etiquette books, though many were outdated. I learned tricks to make it seem like I was establishing eye contact by looking at people’s ears or at the space right under the eye- which has happily made recognizing weariness a little easier. And thankfully, a lot of people now offer customer services/support online- in text, a medium of communication I can get.

For all my misunderstandings of non-textual communication, the written word is clearer to me. And British Comedy tends to make it across the barrier somehow. 🙂

I have a hard time getting the concept of hatred, and I feel guilty when I feel smug about something- even when others tell me It’s rightfully so. I get distaste or dislike, and I like being on the winning side of an argument, but having those extend to the extremes just makes me uncomfortable.

tl;dr, I’m crazy in a maryad of ways, and it’s a part of who I am. 🙂 Just like being bisexual/panromantic, being female this lifetime, and my past.

And a bit of silliness and Pride- John Barrowman Sining “I Am What I Am” From La Cage Aux Folles :

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2 thoughts on “HI

  1. I think the fact that you ended a post with John Barrowman already makes me want to be your best friend.

    I am also on spectrum (see my blog, I FB’ed it to you), and I look forward to reading your whole blog! Mine probably won’t be as organized and profesisonal as yours, but I love your writing style. It feels very forward and honest.

    I hope we can chat soon!

    • Wow, never thought I’d get a comment on an article this old! When I wrote this (I imported it over from blog spot in 2009- I wrote it originally before that) I had not developed my style yet, nor had I accepted that I personally can’t feel satisfied with my writing when I write on current events. This is mainly because I can’t process things through well enough to form a proper opinion fast enough for it to still be “current”! I hope you enjoy getting caught up to date!

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